Once, a Guru wanted to test his disciples. He had taught them all the martial arts and both were equally proficient in whatever he had taught. He did not know how to judge who was better. He finally called his disciples and said, " I am not able to judge as to who is more brave. I have therefore decided to send both of you to my Guru. Get ready to leave immediately." So saying, he gave them a letter addressed to his Guru.

The disciples left carrying the letter addressed to their Grand Guru (Guru’s Guru). In those days, walking was the most common mode of transport. Although the disciples had access to horse wagons, their Guru insisted that they go by walk.

On the way, they came across a dense forest. While passing through that forest, all of a sudden a lion appeared in front of them. One of the disciples immediately drew his sword and stood bravely. The other disciple fled as soon as he saw the lion.
When the lion came nearer, the disciple who was holding the sword realized that it was not possible to overcome the mighty lion. Immediately, he jumped and climbed a tree nearby and saved himself.

After a while, the lion went away. The ‘brave’ disciple climbed down the tree. The ‘cowardly’ disciple also came back.

The ‘cowardly’ disciple had feared that the lion had killed his friend. When he saw that his friend was alive, he felt very happy. Both of them continued their journey and finally reached their destination. Their guru’s Guru asked them to give an account of extraordinary events that took place on the way.

The cowardly disciple said, "O! Grand Guru! Our journey was quite smooth, but for a frightening incidence. We encountered a lion on the way. When I saw its size and ferocity, I immediately realized that it was not possible to fight it single-handed and fled."

"I did not flee. I drew my sword and took on the lion" intervened the brave disciple. "When the lion saw me holding the sword, it jumped with fear and in that commotion, my sword also fell to the ground. I did not lose courage. I fought with bare hands and the lion fled, unable to tolerate my thrashing. Later, when I was collecting myself, my friend came."

The Grand Guru turned to the first disciple and asked him if it was true. The first disciple prostrated before him and said, "I was hiding behind a bush and therefore, I could not see what happened".

The Grand Guru smiled and said, "Yes, I saw you fleeing". Hearing this, the ‘brave’ disciple was taken aback and asked hurriedly "Sir, where were you at that time?"
"That lion was none other than myself" replied the grand guru smilingly.
The ‘brave’ disciple, who had boasted about his courage, was completely humbled by this.

The grand guru consoled both the disciples and said:
"Children! Courage is of three types. Taking to the battlefield without the fear of death is one type of courage. Such courage is there in both of you.

"When you face a situation which is beyond your capacity, to be able to decide fast as to what the course of action should be and to act accordingly will be possible only when you do not become shaken and intimidated by the situation. This is the second type of bravery.

"You ran into a lion, which was much stronger than you. One of you decided immediately that it was prudent to flee and did so. Although the second disciple also resorted to escaping, it took him quite a while to decide that he had to flee. The reason for this is his ego.

"More important is the third kind of bravery. What is it? Accepting reality. If someone is not accepting reality, it means that he is afraid of something. Not only that, it also means that he is aspiring for something which he is not entitled to.

"Even in this aspect, one of you failed. He (the second disciple) feared that he would lose his reputation by accepting reality. Can such a fearing person ever be called brave? Moreover, he is trying to take credit for an act, which did not take place at all! Even if he gets credit, will it be really safe for him? Will it bestow any immunity? To keep up this false credit, he will need to take recourse to more lies. As he goes on telling lies, his fear too increases. Therefore, he will start losing confidence day by day.

"My dear ones! Fighting in a battlefield alone is not real fighting. Facing the difficult situations in day-to-day life is the real crusade. The battle that we wage against our mind is the toughest battle. One who wins there is the real victor."

This sermon given by the grand guru very much applies to our society. We are failing miserably in explaining to our children about the battle called life, leave alone prepare them to face it successfully. If the community life has to be stable it is imperative that the family life should build on a firm foundation.

In the society, there will be some who may not be compatible to us. There may be enemies too. Here, usually we try to win by making amends with those who are incompatible and, try to trounce the enemies.

However, the situation in a family is different. Here, there may be incompatible members, but there will not be enemies. If anyone thinks that there is an enemy in the family, he is thoroughly mistaken. Such a person should first get refine himself. What if he cannot? – is not our point of our present discussion.

It is not impossible for incompatible members to be there in a family. What is the reason behind the incompatibility? Is it you? Is it the other person? Is it both of you? Is it neither of you? Experience tells us that none of the above four can be independent reasons. However, emotion does not allow us to accept it and will prompt us to argue ‘I am not responsible’. This argument will pave way to the development of a dreaded weakness – that of treating the incompatible person as an enemy.

What is the result? An enemy is created up in one’s own family. We start fighting. Family becomes a battlefield.

If family is the foundation for the society, man and wife together are the foundations of the family. As long as the fighting that has developed within the family does not extend to the husband and wife, there will not be much intensity in it.

In the family design devised by our ancient sages, the bond between the husband and wife is inseparable. If inseparable partners turn enemies, and when they engage in weaponless fighting, who is the sufferer in that war? Their minds are the first casualties. The next victims are their children.

Is there an end to this war? Because this is a war fought without weapons, and because neither dies, it becomes an endless war. Therefore, the participants of this war – namely, the husband and wife, die every day. They lead the life of the living-dead. The very institution of marriage will become meaningless. It will become a noose around the neck of the husband and the wife.

In order to ward off such an undesirable situation, our ancient sages have given us a golden statute -‘always love reality’.

What is the relation between truth and war?

The episode of the disciples has indirectly hinted at the relation. To remain steadfast in truth is the third kind of bravery – it was told then. That is the real courage. That is the sign of a real victor. The sermon of the grand guru implied this very clearly.

Basing on the same principle, the following Sookti is giving out a formula for both the husband and the wife to simultaneously achieve success in the family life and prevent it from becoming a battlefield.

Angeekurushwa avajayameva dhairyaat
Kutumba range yadi te jigeeshaa
Paraajito jeevita bhaagahaaree
Prabhuh kutumbe purushothavaa stree

If ever you want to achieve success in the family, accept defeat fearlessly. (Lose voluntarily). One who loses (whether it is the husband or the wife) will become the boss of the family – says this Sookti.

‘This is rather strange. In any war, is it ever possible for both sides to win? We thought that you would spell out some magic remedy for a burning problem. You seem to suggest that both parties should lose. Can losing be called victory? Can any person remain happy after losing? What sort of formula is this?" – you may be tempted to ask.

You are missing the all-important point, which is in the core of the Sookti. Therefore you are facing this confusion. Observe the first line of the Sookti carefully. It says ‘do not be afraid to lose’. Does anyone require courage to lose? Recapitulate the story of the disciples. Remember the courage displayed by the first disciple in two places – once while fleeing and, secondly while fearlessly telling the truth.

He thought quickly and decided that it was sensible to flee. Later, he admitted what he did without deviating from truth. If he did not possess real courage, he too would have chosen to stand there with a view to fight against the lion. If such courage had taken the form of ego (like his friend’s did), he too would have climbed the tree to save himself. Because he had real courage, he could think and act quickly. This is the courage that sticking steadfast to truth bestows. It is this courage that is implied in the above Sookti when it says ‘lose courageously’.
If anyone says that he will jump into a whirlpool and swim against the current, it cannot be considered courage. It is foolishness. A brave person may win or lose. But his aim should always be victory. Similarly, in the family, it is not wrong for both the husband and wife to aim for victory. But the desire to win should not turn to foolishness.

Any desire that reaches a state of foolishness will engulf discrimination. It will make the person reckless and imprudent. A person who has lost his discrimination will never think that he should concede victory to the other person. He will not be able to stick to truth. For such persons, the family life will become a battlefield.

Therefore, the second line of the above Sookti proclaims that in the family situation, one who loses is the winner. It also indicates that in the family situation, to keep winning, what is important is tact.

One need not think that the Sookti is suggesting us to become dishonest. Being tactful does not constitute dishonesty. Using tact is not a mistake.

Why is this Sookti deliberating so much about family life? – one may think.
In the spiritual parlance, wife stands for the mind. Similarly, for a woman, mind connotes her husband. Each body has been endowed with a mind. One does not have the liberty to chose the mind. Also, the relation between the body and the mind is of inseparable nature.
The relation between a man and his wife is the replica of the relation between the body and the mind. To find harmony with the mind itself is the final step in spiritual pursuit. In this world, one who does not find harmony with his life partner will never be able to find harmony in the inner world (mind).

When we analyze properly, we can realize that every being likes his mind only to a certain extent. There are certain areas where a being doesn’t like his own mind. However, it is the endeavor of everyone to keep the mind under control. Even a person who has no inclination towards spirituality wants to achieve this.

Let us apply this to the family situation. Every person will have some liking for his/her life partner. There will be areas of dislike too. Every person will be yearning to keep the other partner under his/her control. Even a person who is in to spirituality and who wishes to remain levelheaded is not spared of such a longing.

What weapon should we use to control the mind?

Sage Vashishtha has said

Na shakyate mano jetum
vinaa yuktim aninditaam

‘One must have tact in order to conquer the mind. What sort of tact? The answer is ‘aninditaam’ – a sacred tact.

Similarly, even in the family situation, to achieve success, one should resort to sacred tact. He/she who does not strike harmony in family life will find it difficult to achieve success in his/her spiritual journey. Neither the spiritual nor the family environment can be controlled with brutal strength. Therefore, one who aspires for victory in the family situation should not lose sight of the spiritual secret that by achieving success here, he is in fact working towards achieving success in the inner world. Therefore, one should realize that the defeat that he/she has accepted with ‘courage’ does not constitute insult.

It is the intention of this Sookti to drive home this important message. By the grace of Lord Dattatreya, may you all achieve victory in the family as well as in the spiritual field.

Jaya Guru Datta.

Sri Swamiji